Attitude

This page was last updated 02/07/2008 06:43:28 AM (Yes, I know, it is about time!)

Fine Print: (Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all of my comments are obviously, mine.  My interpretation is my own and will not necessarily match yours, but take from it what you can, throw out what you don't agree with, and develop your own ideals).

UPDATE  12-07-07

This is fast becoming my most talked about subject since I now work dressed a lot of the time with women in a hair salon.  I do notice that their appearance has been upgraded dramatically since I started this.

What is it that attracts you, catches your eye, or your mind when you see a woman that you take a second look at?  First it may be the overall appearance, the hair, high heels, whatever.  I know that I have "ideals" that seem to make an impression on me, these aspects I call the "attractors". They tend to steer the viewer toward a positive feeling.  In these two shots I depend on my figure as the attractor, most people will see that first and then make an assessment of the rest of me.

(A quick story)  A few days ago I was dressed in the same general outfit you see below and I was heading to my car when I ran into a middle-aged woman who was obviously very conservative.. She looked at me and gave me a "harump".  I couldn't help myself and started laughing. She made an immediate assessment about my appearance, just as we all do on occasion, and decided I didn't meet her standards for public viewing. Hence the "harump" 

Same sort of situation when I wear my Carlotta with the apparent dark roots and Jasmie and women make the "loud talker" statements that they mean for me to overhear, "she certainly would look better if took care of her roots".  I love to hear remarks like that because it means that they judged me as a woman and not a man dressed as a woman.  I therefore was passable and was now simply the butt of their criticism.  Since I work with women everyday in a hair salon, I understand the cruel and belittling remarks that can be made.  (My favorite was a recent trip through a mall and I "overheard" "skinny bitch".  Now I don't like the word bitch but in this case I had to laugh again.  The remark came from a heavy-set young girl of maybe 30 who really didn't care about her appearance.  People can be very strange....

OK, on with the attitude thing

Notice how I don't have a huge mass of hair hiding my fair or acting as a detractor? This is about as minimum a facial appearance that can be made and still have hair.  From the back I have a long pony tail done in a cute two strand plait.

Ok, enough about me...

We, as a group and individually, must develop the ability to downplay our "detractors" and up-play our "attractors" so that the eye is drawn away from obvious male traits.  Women do this all the time, downplaying what they consider their "poor points", and up-playing the things they feel more comfortable with. Those with what they feel are larger hips tend to wear larger upper garments to hide that "detractor".  

Cosmetics are the chief avenue for many women in that they feel that the use of cosmetics will assist them in up-playing their most positive points. Wow!! What a coincidence!!  We do the same thing, in spades. We work to cover every point so that the obvious male traits are so camouflaged that we feel like we can "pass" and not be detected. We usually tend to overwork one or more points simply because of lack of long-term experience (hair, makeup, clothing, high heels, etc.  You get the point!)  

This is pure attitude!! Obviously these pictures show me going way beyond just presence, I am blatantly flaunting everything I apparently have to "attract" rather than "detract".

These obvious male traits I call "detractors" simply because they reduce the positive feeling someone may have for us. I have heard the same remarks you have and have worked for many years to overcome the "detractors" to the point that people will think more positively of me, as I am dressed and how I appear.  If your goal is to simply dress in public and be "made" by all you meet, then your "detractors" will outweigh your "attractors". If, on the other hand, you wish to pass, or not be discovered, the "attractors" have to outweigh the "detractors", even though the "detractors" are still there! The best comment you could possibly hear, from our point of view is "skinny bitch".  If you hear that then you know that you have not only passed but caused the woman making the comment to place you higher in the female "pecking order" than she is.  What a compliment!!

After the initial moment is over, what is it that causes her to hold your attention?  The way she moves, the way she stands, gestures to others, is self-assured about what she is doing?  The overall answer is ATTITUDE.  She has the "right stuff" to be an attractive woman, she carried herself in a self-assured manner, she moves as though she belonged there.

How many times have you met a person that you weren't really attracted to and after talking or interacting with them for awhile, you find a certain kindred spirit building?  Or, your first impression was minimal but after some time you seem to be feeling more curious about the person.

Models typically swing to the high-end in the attitude arena.  You see them sashaying down the runway, swinging their hips and looking haughty and somewhat bored with the crowd. 

Someplace in the middle of "no attitude whatsoever" and a models' haughtiness is where we as a group should be heading. (This of course depends on where you are)  The remainder of this discussion is for those that wish to pass successfully, if not somewhat flaunting of the observers.

UPDATE:     As you can see, I have shifted somewhat in my passing attempts. I have taken a different avenue to address rather than simply hair, makeup and clothes. I am working on my figure as a major attractor rather than a detractor or  a non-issue.   My hair styles have gone more main stream and my clothing is updated to match current times.   I seem to be able to go anywhere I want and with impunity.  Yes, I am smug about it, I have been working toward this for years.    

One interjection here, the fear of embarrassment must be overcome.  For humans this is the most feared situation.  Think about it, what do all humans fear most besides pain and death?  Being made fun of by others is generally the first statement, whether by first-graders or so-called adults. Embarrassment causes most of us to slink away, hiding as we go, trying to blend into the woodwork, never to be seen again. In other words, to be the victim and accept others' views of us.  A very difficult thing to overcome, but it must be set aside if we are to succeed.  Setting aside embarrassment can be generally covered up by developing a positive attitude, whether it is genuine or not. 

Anytime I am going out with a relatively new-to-the-public friend and they have misgivings about appearing in public, I make an agreement with them.  At anytime during the evening, if they are feeling uncomfortable, we leave, no questions asked, no guilt implied.  It applies for all parties in our group.  If one person feels uncomfortable or threatened, we all leave.  The support generated tends to allow most of the shyness or apprehension to be realized and we all feel a little more comfortable.

Another line we use is that we are the "stars", we are the ones that will stand out, not fade into the woodwork like the average person there that evening.  (I am not implying disrespect of those of you that go to a lounge, find the most remote table and basically stay out of the limelight,   I did that for years until I felt more comfortable) 

When most people go out they spend an average evening with no real difference from any other evening.  The memorable evenings or outings come when there is a disruption in the  "average" atmosphere.  By this I mean, a really beautiful woman struts in, a pair of gay guys walk in holding hands, something out of the ordinary. I clearly remember watching a woman kissing a guy on the dance floor throughout an entire slow dance; a spectacularly tall black woman in an iridescent off-shoulder dress; a petite blonde in a mini-skirt and boots; a crossdresser that was stunning!!  Something different, and believe me, we are different to most average people on the street! We stand out, some for good reasons, others for really obvious reasons. People go back to work and tell their friends about their chance encounter with the unusual, whatever it may have been.   In many cases it will have been a brush with a crossdresser, a drag queen, or whatever. 

I have had women come over to my table and sit and talk with me for hours simply because I was the most interesting-looking person in the room.  I have made lifelong friendships with some of the people that I have met.  

A gorgeous young woman came over and asked if she could sit with me at the Plough Share in San Francisco a few years ago.  She had turned down offers to dance from every man in the place and now she was sitting with me.  She seemed to come alive when she sat down, now relaxed and not as apparently alone as she was previously.  After talking for awhile, she revealed that she was a lesbian and that she thought I was attractive.  I revealed the truth to her and she leaned over and kissed me the most sensual kiss I could imagine.  We laughed and had a great time the rest of the evening.  We were the talk of the bar, the two best looking women in the bar were a lesbian and a TV.  We went to two other places that night and had a great time.

I once went to a local lounge and listened and danced to the band.  I went alone, sat alone and interacted with only the cocktail waitress.  I had been going to this lounge for years and had no problem with the typical crowd.  Whenever a song came on that I liked, I got up and danced alone, usually in the crowd of dancers, but occasionally alone.  I caused a stir.       

What I had was attitude.  What I still have is attitude!   Can you imagine going out looking like this and not having attitude??? I didn't hide in the corner, I didn't act like a victim, and I held my head up.  I smiled at everyone that looked at me and sat through the evening with few, if any, problems.  Anna Haas describes it as acting like you belong there.  

Don't keep checking your makeup, applying more lipstick, or looking insecure.  Do the same things that women do, twirl a strand of hair, check your nails, watch other people, but don't look like a victim! 

Women can sit for hours nursing a drink, they generally do not look all over and appear to be checking out every new person walking in unless it is to check the new rival woman coming through the door.

Women look at other women with unbelievable scrutiny. They smile at one another.  If one guy smiles at another guy, it looks a gay come-on to some.  Oh what a homophobic group males are!  Smile at women when you are dressed.  It takes the uncertainty away, puts the other woman at ease and lets her know that you accept her.  You have gained some acceptance in her eyes if she smiles back at you.  Most women are very supportive of other women, even guys dressed as women. Next time you are dressed as a male, smile at women as they meet you.  Not a lecherous smile but a kind genuine smile.  99% of the women you meet will smile back. It is really strange that men cannot smile at one another, they often reach out and shake hands as a gesture of friendship or of "not holding a weapon" in that hand approach, but they rarely just smile at one another. 

Never make the mistake of not thinking that there isn't a very clear "pecking order" in place for women.  Sitting in Maxi's lounge in the Red Lion Inn in San Jose, California with my date Scott, a beautiful woman came over to our table and introduced herself to us.  She said she came over just to meet the only other "competition" in the room and once I told her I was not competition for her, she became our best friend.  She clearly was on the make and watched every other woman leave and enter that night, keeping an eye on her territory and the available men. 

 If a threat is apparent, enlist the assistance of the waitress and if necessary, the bouncer.  I have been escorted out of clubs by the bouncer when I re-buffed the advances of a drunk male before.  Any woman would ask for the same consideration.

Want to look obviously out of place?  As you start to enter anywhere, store, lounge, gay bar, stop at the entrance and look frightened.   Timidly seek out a table, or put your head down as you shop, always looking over your shoulder for observers.  

Generally the reason for this behavior is uncertainty, either with the way you look, feel, or your attitude.  Try taking a modeling course to help with posture and movement.  Join a TG group and talk about your fears and concerns, reach out and make similar friends and help them through their discomfort. See the section titled Feminine Movement and Victim status for more information.